Wednesday, May 6, 2015

The Gray

Only recently have I begin to come to terms with the fact that (barring a miracle) Brent and I will never be parents.  It’s an unwieldy thought to wrestle with and I’ll admit that sometimes it overtakes me.  It’s not a choice we’ve made, and at the same time, it is.  Do I own this reality, or does it own me?  I’m not sure it will ever be a clear matter- rather than black and white, it feels like a murky gray through which I’ll forever be trying to navigate.

I’m not so good with gray areas.  I hate making decisions, rarely break the rules, and prefer to blend in.  Sometimes I wonder what God was thinking in choosing me, of all people, to walk this path.  I’ve second-guessed, procrastinated, questioned, avoided, denied, and mishandled just about every aspect of this journey.  Yet it seems to be the plan He’s allowed for my life, and, do I dare admit—with good reason?  It seems this gray area is teaching me far more than the black and white ever would have.   

In my early twenties, I would have sworn to you that my life had to follow a particular script in order to be complete.  Heck, if you’d asked, I would’ve typed it out for you, right there on paper, in black and white.  I had my lines memorized and my timing planned out, and you’d better believe I was ready to live out a “perfect” life worthy of a standing ovation.  Little did I realize the play wasn’t mine to write and the best acting in the world couldn’t save it.

More times than not in recent years, I’ve been clueless as to what the next scene would entail.  My tears blurred the lines on the page and many days, I was left with nothing but a big gray smudge of nothingness.  I’ve faltered, I’ve failed, and I’ve fantasized of starring in absolutely any role but that of my own.  But all the while, God was still writing my story, never giving up.   

There’s one question that has haunted me relentlessly in the depths of this fog: how can I live a "full" life if we accept this fate of childlessness?  But lately, I think I’ve had the question all wrong.  Instead, perhaps it’s this: would I really have ever lived a full life with the fate I’d have chosen for myself?  God knows our strengths and our weaknesses, our limits and our potential, our capabilities and our downfalls.  He knows not just what we need from the world, but what the world needs from us. He also knows that all we really need is Him.

We tend to view our surroundings and our circumstances in terms of black and white, right and wrong, fair and unfair.  There are certain thoughts, harsh realities, and uncertain futures that are nearly impossible for us to wrap our minds around.  Sometimes we have to realize there is no clear answer, no side we can take, and no guarantee.  Sometimes all there is the outstretched hand of our Savior, offering to lead us through the murky gray.  My prayer for us all is that we’ll take it rather than lose ourselves in the fog.  Because the truth is He knew best all along.    

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