By nature, I’m a
private person. By that, I don’t mean
quiet or reserved, but I have always been guarded about revealing my true
self. As many women do, I want people to
think I have it all together when they look at me, thought that’s rarely the
case. In many ways, this blog has been
counterintuitive to the way I carry myself in my daily life.
Nevertheless,
here we are and one reason for that is that I needed people to know and
understand why my life looks the way it does.
It seems the purpose has been served because I got through Open House
and the first week of school without being asked one time whether or not I have
children. Either the word is out about
me or I’m getting so old that no one cares anymore.
It was different
during our first few years of trying unsuccessfully to conceive. I began to dread meeting new people and seeing
old friends, both in my personal and professional life, for the chitchat that
was bound to ensue.
“Do you have children?” No. (At some
point, I stopped saying, “Not yet.”)
“How long have you been married?” Long
enough.
“What are you waiting for?” Awkward
pause.
I never figured
out how to deal with the questions without lying, forcing discomfort on the
other person, and/or feeling my own blood pressure rise. All I knew for sure was that I hated the
expectation and ultimately the judgment.
Over the past several years with the explosion of social media, our
already unnatural curiosity about private matters has been magnified. I’m not sure I would be any better if I
hadn’t been dealt my particular life experiences, but my best advice to my
former self and for anyone else is simple: just don’t ask.
The intrusion
isn’t limited to us childless folks. It
stretches to those who choose to (or don’t choose but still do) have just one
child and to those who are waiting to become grandparents. I’m sure similar questions are frequent for
those who are blessed with more than the average 2.5 children per American
household or had their children close together in age, and the same type of
unwarranted questioning affects single and/or divorced adults. The questions seem innocent enough on the
surface, but to the person being asked, it hurts, sometimes in a more lasting
way than you’d imagine.
There is a
difference between being friendly and being nosy. If you aren’t sure which you are, scale
back. In most cases, the asking is
completely innocent and simply seen as the easiest way to start a conversation. Perhaps it is easy, if the answers are what
you expect. But for those of us who defy
expectations, it’s anything but easy. Find
another topic for mindless chatter- the weather is always safe. In some cases, there is genuine care,
interest, and concern behind the questions.
But those of us answering can feel the difference. We all should examine our hearts before we
speak to such matters.
I think I can
speak for everyone whose life doesn’t fit into a perfect little box when I say
this: please don’t evaluate my sanity or worth based on what my life looks like
on the outside. Perhaps that’s not the
intent in asking such questions, but sometimes that’s what it feels like to
those of us who spend every day intentionally making our own way and learning
to love each day based on the path God has laid out for us.
I’ll even suggest
a compromise. If you want to ask, that’s
fine, but please get to know me first. There are certain questions that simply can’t
be given justice on a first meeting or during a quick encounter in public. So in short, don’t ask. When the time is right, I’ll tell you and you
won’t even have to ask. Until then…nice
weather we’ve been having…
