I had decided not
to write a Mother’s Day post this year.
Starting this blog has been a huge step for me in being more real, but I
wasn’t sure I was ready for a Mother’s Day post. That’s just too touchy, too painful, TOO
real, and it would have to wait for next year.
So this week,
like every second week of May for the past few years, I’ve tried to push all
the thoughts and feelings surrounding Mother’s Day aside. “It’s
just another day,” I tell myself, “You
don’t HAVE to feel this way. You’re choosing to feel this way.” But anyone who has ever been single on
Valentine’s Day OR infertile on Mother’s Day knows it’s more complicated than
that. The idea of an entire day, and in
this culture we all know it’s more like a week, dedicated to honoring something
you want and can’t have is unsettling at the least and unnerving to most.
Nonetheless, this
morning I let my guard down and read a post on someone else’s blog about the
struggles that some of us face on Mother’s Day.
I found myself wiping tears and chastised myself for letting those
feelings in that I’d been working all week to keep out. But then, much to my surprise, it occurred to
me that I actually felt better, not worse, at letting those feelings out and at
reading the experiences of someone who understood exactly how I felt.
That’s when the
thought came to me: “It’s not about me.” I’m not the only one struggling this weekend,
I’m not the only one with a hole in my heart, I’m not the only one just going
through the motions and pushing feelings aside.
There are so many reasons, besides infertility, that Mother’s Day can
hurt. There’s someone else who needs to
know they aren’t alone, and by being afraid to post about how this feels, I was
taking away that comfort that I had just felt from someone else. So, here I am…
Simultaneously,
it occurred to me that the same thought that struck me is a better coping
mechanism for dealing with this issue than just pushing down the feelings of
inadequacy and hopelessness. It’s a good
reminder for the weekend in general: “It’s
not about me.” There’s no denying
that motherhood is a beautiful privilege, awe-inspiring responsibility, and
gift to be celebrated. If it weren’t, I
wouldn’t be fighting these feelings of jealousy and despair in the first
place.
So why not just
celebrate IT for what it is instead of dreading it for what I’m not? Why not give a nod of respect and a word of
encouragement to the amazing mothers in my life (I’ve certainly been blessed by
the influence of many, including my own) and stop wallowing in my own
self-pity? If there’s anything I’ve
learned in the past few years, it is that no baby is an accident- God’s hand is
in the making of every one. In the same
way, His hand has been in the making of every mother and who am I to overlook
or discount that? That same hand has
guided my life at every turn, even when it hasn’t turned the way I’d
planned.
The beauty of
motherhood is deserving of the honor and respect that this day brings, and for
this one day, it’s simply not about me.
But that doesn’t mean He doesn’t have a divine plan for my life as
well. No need to despair. He always has a perfect plan that will bring
glory to HIS name, if we’ll just stop focusing on ourselves. It was never about us anyway.
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